dear brbu,
I hope you are well. I know we haven't talked for a bit, you know, back and forth like. As we promised, I'm trying to not be self conscious about it. A good part of me is worried that you've become sick of my guy locker room talk. Â If so, I'm sorry for that. Â
So, anyways, here's a bit more of rant. I kinda like the voice of a others who are friends and not a romantic prospects, which is why I'm sharing. You're really the best at that for me, always have been.
So, here it is, Rummy confronts Nega-Rummy.Â
Had another date (3) with Wilco Wine girl tonight. Another very fun dinner.Â
She's sweet. Easy to talk to. Funny. Smart. Does design, teaches on the side. We love the same snobby food. She's a wine snob. Very pretty, genuine smile. Kisses as soft and as natural as I've had. She's had a similar upbringing. Became an atheist.Â
We've got tickets to see Jeff Tweedy next week, in DC. She actually started messaging me cuz my profile mentions Wilco. She knows guys who work for record labels and design posters for several of my favorite bands.
After the show, we're staying in a bed and breakfast. She's made no secret that magic will happen that night.
I told her tonight about my marital past and situation. She explained she was fatalistic about marriage. Basically doesn't think that most guys and girls can stay married. Told many stories of her friends who couldn't. She's ok with that. She's also four years younger.
.Â
She talked of getting beers on the train ride down to DC. What could be wrong?Â
I'm apprehensive. Why?
I still think, for all my recent male-it-tude, that deep down I'm a romantic at heart. I want to believe in a committed, romantic, lasting relationship. I'm getting a vibe that she may just be a little to cynical for me, a little too hard to reach emotionally. Call me a fag (or a furry), but that's a turn off for me. I want to feel special, not like just a hunk of meat. I don't want to lose that naïveté in my soul.
This has nothing to do with any loyalty to my ex. There's no feeling there.
It probably has a bit to do with this other girl I've been e-mailing, the nerdy librarian. She's made it clear she is very into me. She thrills me intellectually, even though I suspect several potential incompatibilities (vegan, doesn't drink, observing non fundychristian). Still, she seems more pure and nice and potentially loyal.
The questions that vex me:
- am I going to regret banging her silly next week
- am I going to regret not banging her more
- am I so wounded that I need the enthusiastic interest of a girl, that it matters
- is Wilco wine just playing aloof cause she's been hurt before
- will I feel worse from guilt if I bang her, then later choose the librarian girl
Yep, I know what some of you will say. I've been steeped in monogamy too long.
I also know the likely course events will take. The tickets are bought, the room is paid for. We are going. We will drink. We will make out. The real question is, when chips are down, whether I stop.
I probably won't stop. All things being equal, this is more about my baggage than hers. But, that doesn't stop me, here, from being self-reflective. From wondering aloud. It's not wrong to worry about these things, or to talk about them. Even if it is with a bunch of NERDS.
Thanks for listening,
The reluctant rummy