I have a very bad living condition/lifestyle, but I am working to improve it.
I don't want to sound like a emo kid or drama whore talking about how bad my life has been to me and etc in the past long ago while I just try to get some background information.
I spent 18 years saving for college. I had a plan, a goal, knew what I was going to study and eventually try to do for a living, programming/graphical art. Its what I always enjoy doing, and planned to learn enough to make a living doing it.
When the time came to try to enroll in college I found out that the college fund belonging to my brother and I wasn't going to be split 50/50 like we heard/planned for/talked about for 18 years. It was going to be 100/0. I didn't have the same religious beliefs as the rest of my family,
found out when I was 16 what its like to look my mother in the eye and realize there was no love there. and because of that I found myself in the streets of a city miles from anything I knew. This is because I was going to move in with a friend and get a job and start working to save up for college
again the next day.
I don't know how long it took me from that situation to get a greyhound ticket, but here I am in a state across the country moving wood, chopping wood, loading wood into peoples trucks and wood wood wood for a meager living. I actually have a lot of free time from this, so I spent a couple years trying to get more money to improve life. Nothing ever worked because I wasn't social enough, which is important in the lower end jobs like walmart or any jobs. I couldn't go on like that, so now I'm paid to have Asperger's syndrome. I plan to use this money to slowly improve the quality of my life, till I can somehow start getting money for formal learning again.
So, I am waiting month by month till money comes with all the free time in the world. (If I get a job now, I don't get paid to have Asperger's, and it would be less money, and less reliable) When it does come I spend said money on things which, in addition to food, include the previous purchase of a chair which is comfortable, and the future purchase of a refrigerator which keeps bugs out, so I don't have to cover everything I actually want to eat later in tinfoil.
Life is
very slowly getting better. I am however currently stuck in the situation where I sleep all day, and at night I have nothing to do.
and shiver when I take anything out of the fridge. meh thats going to only be 9 days
I know a lot of people would kill to be paid to do nothing but this is in a state across the country from anything I ever knew, and 2 years later I still don't know anyone here in this state but like 5 people, nor do I intend to.Â
I still feel like I should be a lot more productive in making life better though, but heres too slow but steady improvements
EDIT:
I originally deleted this because it felt like admitting I was a loser, Like it should be more properly read as "I'm a poor asocial loser with no friends who gets payed for it. Like I'll lose all my friends for admitting it.
I'm trying to fix my life but its hard, confusing and takes a long damn time I had a life a nice life, I had friends I still had aspergers, a
social disorder but I was working to get over it, meet people have friends etc.
We were all happy about how it seemed to have almost gone away. I had goals, I had plans to meet those goals. I had no idea in one day it could all be shattered. Because my single mother believed a separate religious philosophy.
My mind, heart and soul shattered and I died inside.
And went from almost got over social issues to times infinity.
By god it hurts, so much. It's been 2 years and I feel incredible shame I haven't gotten over it yet, that involves letting it all out, but
18 years climaxed like that. Thinking about it makes me breathe funny, my heart hurts physically, I have a headache, and that's just the surface.
There's no human way to release 18 years climaxed like that in a short amount of time.
I honestly don't know if this is too much information, whining, or what I need to say so I can get to know people.
Its working though, I used to literally have no place to sleep, now, I get money every month.
I'm going to keep working on this whole "getting money for college or something" thing and get a better life. But sometimes my heart physically hurts so much I nearly collapse.
My god that felt good to say.. To finally get part of it off my chest since I locked it away in glendale, chainsmoking as an escape.